8 Tips From A Last Minute Christmas Shopper
With 11 days until Christmas, I have bought exactly zero presents. I’m not a bad person, I just don’t like hurling myself into the hordes of mall santas, double-wide strollers, and Sbarro devouring teenagers. Before my illustrious career as web design rockstar (edit: corporate drone) I lived in the dark-ages: I worked retail for 7 years.
For seven long years housewives threw pens, money, credit cards, and obscenities at me. I learned that without the magic ability to produce merchandise that didn’t exist, or produce it at an unreasonably low price, a lowly shop wench didn’t stand a fighting chance. I saw women mow down my pyramids of stemware with hum-vee strollers, and witnessed the morbidly obsese walk again when their Rascals wouldn’t fit through the aisles. Desperate husbands scooped up gift-cards and jingle rock santas, while sticky-fingered, unattended children flung pretzels and cheerios across the store.
So, as I would sooner endure paper cuts to my eyelids than go near a mall the day after Thanksgiving, I’ve come up with a few tips based on my experiences to help out my fellow anti-commerce holiday slackers.
- The item you want is probably gone already. Don’t trust internet inventory locators, they’re always wrong. Call the store and ask someone. Most stores, even during the holidays, will begrudgingly hold something for you if you can get there fast enough.
- All bets are off. Don’t turn your back on the spoils in your cart and expect it to remain untouched. Someone else wants that poop-herself-pretty-pretty-princess. She who has her hands on it last, leaves the store with it.
- Bring cash, and bring extra. Almost every holiday season my store’s card services went down after being overloaded with requests. Card processing will time out, and writing checks runs you the risk of having your eyeballs clawed out by the impatient lines behind you.
- You won’t find a parking space, so don’t bother trying. Just take the spot in the middle of nowhere, it will take you less time to walk to the store than it does to sit in your car pissing off everyone trying to get around you.
- There won’t be anyone to help you. The nearest salesperson is teetering on a ladder, getting the last thingamajic and whatchamacallit from the store’s highest display, for a moth-ball scented old bag who’s “just looking.” Know what you want and where it is.
- If a store does offer free gift wrap, you don’t want it, and you’re a jerk if you get it. This means you’re pulling away staff from the salesfloor and cash registers, potentially inciting a riot. And if you’re getting something oddly shaped or oversized, they’re not going to be able to wrap it any better than you would, it’s still going to look like a blob of crumpled up gift-wrap. Just go home and stick whatever it is in a gift bag, besides it’s easier for your stuffy sister-in-law when she regifts.
- Always ask for a gift receipt first, even if you don’t want one. You never know when you’ll need it, your tastes aren’t infallible and you don’t want Aunt Ethel to know how cheap you are, and the cashier will have to get a manager to reprint one for you.
- Get out of there. As soon as you’re done, leave the store, sprawlmart, or ye olde mall towne immediately. You never know who you’re going to run into. One unfortunate Christmas Eve I fell prey to a local weather girl gone investigative reporter spotlighting last minute shoppers, and my whole family got a sneak preview of their gifts on the ten o’clock news.
Now good luck, and get some of that pre-alcoholic egg nog, because you’re going to need it. And remember, gift cards are your friend.
Ok, Beth, this is just hilarious! And you forgot the Xmas tree catch. Never leave presents under the Xmas trees for more than 10 minutes. The earlier you put Xmas presents under the tree, the more you’ll find yourself having to buy new presents because of the newest mobile phone which come out on December 24th, or the new coffee machine… you name it…
And at this point, don’t try to buy anything online. Even if you get FedEx and they absolutely promise it will be shipped, you don’t want to be the one sitting on the porch on Christmas Eve praying for the FedEx guy to show up.
Gift cards may be your friend, but we who get them would rather you just give the cash. It has the same meaning and is useable at vastly more places. Besides, the lines in the bank are alot shorter!
[…] Are you anything like me and are planning to head out this weekend to start your Christmas shopping? Beth from resistmedia.com has a useful and entertaining post, 8 tips from a last minute Christmas Shopper that you might like to take a read of first. […]
Gift cards are classier than cash…but see if you can get the ‘use it at any store’ variety. That way they can use it online, too.
Encourage everyone to have a wishlist.com account, or something similar. Actually GET them something from it, too…it will save you the stress of figuring out what to get them and save them the stress of returning a wrong size, color, taste, etc.
Gift cards are more classy but at times you can’t find want you want with a gift card
Hard to believe Christmas is already around the corner. I am ready for some Thanksgiving turkey though.
Hey, what’s all the commotion, just shop online and get it delivered. In your case 11 days to go maybe not enough time, but hey at least you can be ready for next year. just find a website that delivers up to 3 days before Christmas.
But seriously I find it a nightmare trying to even think about what present my wife would like and I guess I am like millions of other husbands out there that just don’t have a clue, and like me normally end up getting perfume, chocolates flowers or the standard stuff.
Hey I dare not put my name on this, be like signing my death warrant, lol
I agree with data logger. You can always find that one website that delivers up to 3 days before any holiday and christmas as well. It is kinda diffult however, I know. I have been in the same situation 2 years ago. If worst comes to worst then go out and start hitting malls and shops.
Last minute shopping is the way to go. I do it every single year the day before Christmas. I somehow manage to keep everyone happy every year.
I did like that you don’t like hurling into the hordes of mall santas. Yap… you are really a good person. your experiences is helpful not just to one but many who come to post in depth. I will firmly follow your anti-commerce holiday slackers points. Thank you. on the porch on Christmas Eve you rock……….!
This is a very funny story but sad thing it’s true. Every year I plan on shopping early during the Christmas holidays and like every year wait to the last minute. Now that I waited so long on on trying to find the perfect gift, now just looking for what is available, before I get bombarded with offers that really do not need or want. And if you shop early enough online you will get your gift delivered on time. And gift cards are a bad choice.