Don’t Leave Crap On My Porch: Seriously I am a Curmudgeon
By the end of each week, my porch is covered, a virtual obstacle course of wasted paper. Flyers poke out of the handle on my screen door. Items include (but are not limited to): free local papers, delivery menus, flyers for handyman, lawyers or lawn services, phone books from varying companies, political announcements, and coupons for crap i’ll never want or use.
I thought I could put an end to the chaos, so first I emailed the Lakewood Observer, and asked them to kindly remove me from their circulation. In return I received an angry message explaining they don’t deliver, it must be a third party, and why on earth would I not want their fabulous publication? A third party randomly delivering local papers? Why?
I don’t even know who to contact to get rid of the other crap. Who needs a phone book when I have the internet? How much paper are these companies wasting annually trying to get me to use their services and instead galactically piss me off?
I’m at the point where I’m going to have to put up a sign on my porch. I really don’t want to do this because it’s tacky, but I can’t catch the paper perpetrators in the act as the crap is delivered during the day. Hear me now dispensers of waste paper: I refuse to ever even consider having you clean my gutter, order your pizza, or have you sue someone for a fake neck injury if you leave crap on my porch. I am tired of cleaning up a mess I don’t want and didn’t ask for.
I have more tolerance for the annoying people who come to my door to tell me about their bake sale, petition, or run for office. At least they don’t leave crap behind on my porch! True, they make my dogs go crazy. True, they often leave me with papers I still must throw away. True, they often ring the door bell when I’m sitting in my pajamas, eating junk food, and playing guitar hero. So in truth I still despise random people who knock on my door, but at least they don’t leave a trash bomb on my porch.
