Best of Craigslist Roundup
These are some of my personal favorites.
- Signs You are Not My New Roommate
Contrary to your rambling theories, the reason I am not calling back is not that your message was “so cra-a-ackily” (Were you trying to replicate the crackle sound in some kind of onomatopoetic serenade?)
- I Have $1000 in Booze, and you Have a Failed Marriage
Maybe you finally got rid of your evil ex-wife and you’re looking to booze it up with some floozies. You’ll need a bunch of great booze to begin your new life of intoxication, and this is what I can provide to you.
- To the “Illustrated” Lady at My Gym
My assessment of your legs, and arms, and that serpent thing on your neck writhing down to ?, was borne of curiosity, not desire!
- Thank You Ducolax for Ruining My Thanksgiving
Whatever she makes, she’s always taking a taste and ‘the finger’ is always involved. While I would never do this myself, I could deal with it. Hell, you go to a buffet or someone double dips their nacho in the guacamole and it’s pretty much the same issue, right?
- The Time I Lost Control of My Bowels on the Waterslide
Ricocheting from a high, banking wall, the impact smashed me like some fecal-laden pinata. I lost control, discharging a foul, liquid trail.
- Dear Dog: Just Take a Shit Already
You slept all evening (snoring, I might add) and at 11pm I noticed your eyes were at least open, so I decided it would be good to take you out for a dump. This, I assumed, would be one of those groggy potty breaks where you hobble down the stairs, squat, poop, hobble back up, and blearily settle back into your pillow to resume dreaming about the days when you still had balls.
- A Memo to Straight Women Seeking a Gay Male Friend
I think “Will and Grace” has instructed an entire generation of women that gay men are dying - DYING! - to be your friend and indulge your every co-dependent and neurotic whim. We’ll be there in a clinch with a “you go girl!” or “you look fierce!” Because we all love to say that stuff and many other quippy zingers.
- To the Person Who Put a Rick James Album on My Windshield
Who was responsible for this? Why Rick James? Were you aware that I have an unhealthy obsession with my record collection or was I just the random recipient of a generious gift?
- Level 72 Paladin Seeking 42+ Rogue, Druid, and Sorceress
live at home with Mother, and you will have to sneak in through the basement window.
- Lost: big box of crickets on the subway
if found contact me unless you are angry and covered in crickets
Unfortunately I must related to the Dear Dog listing on a daily basis.
